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Sunday, September 30, 2012

Saturday, September 29, 2012

Going Shopping

 Okay, I have a confession to make:
 there will be no shopping today.
Why, you ask?
Why are the shoes not headed out bargain hunting?
The answer is simple...
 ...the sandals have company for the weekend.
You remember this guy.
You, seen his kitchen, he's helped us convert a patio into a deck, he's built a raised bed
(he'd seen my yard and had total garden envy),
and he showed us how to build an ornamental bridge from scratch. 
 That's right, my best friend, Michael, is down from New York with his 
charming bride, and the four of us are gallivanting a tad.
While our spouses were working, the two of us hung at the pool at a posh
hotel in gorgeous downtown Miami.
Life is tough, isn't it?
A pool on the 8th floor no less,
with mango coladas,
which were just as fabulous without the  coconut rum, I assure you.
 So if anyone's going to the craft store, pick me up a couple of things, will ya?
I'll wait right here in the cabana.
 This is a public enclave on the street.
That's right.
Grab a Starbucks, bring a book, and just settle in to rest your sensible walking shoes.
You can watch the models strut by in their Jimmy Choos.
 If they don't make you feel short, this will.
 Soak up the sun and the scenery to your heart's content.
 This is the ceiling in valet;
plate glass with water running over it.
The shadows it cast were fantastic.
 I have lucky bamboo in my bathrooms.
This looks luckier.
 I'm going to order a little flatbread with prosciutto and heirloom tomatoes.
Can I get anyone anything?
 A little slice of Biscayne Bay visible from the pool bar.
 You'll forgive me if I leave the hot glue at home and just wave down 
Paulo, the pool boy from the jacuzzi?
Going to South Beach.
If not back, avenge death.
...and oh, what a way to go!

Friday, September 28, 2012

Yorrick, My Man, What Up?

I present to you the skull.
Depending on your culture, it's the symbol of life or death.
It's a BAMF accessory with many outfits for certain looks.
And at Halloween, it's a must-have.
These icons can be found at Z Gallerie year round in any form from ice cubes to clocks.
And chrome clad with diamond eyes?
Fifteen dollar price tag?
Go not want.
 The Dollar Tree has these life sized babies in stock right now.
I bought three, one for each Minion.
 The first macabre plastic grin got three coats of chrome.
 Bring Yorrick on in and put him on some newspaper.
 Now, those big diamond vase filler things you have...
(still available at Party City)
 shove a couple different ones in the eye sockets to choose a size.
My mother barely even glanced at me doing this.
It's evidently becoming normal behavior to her.
 Rim the socket with a little hot glue.
Try to think of another situation where you could utter that phrase without police involvement.
 Press your large, gaudy plastic diamond into place as a substitute eye.
Does anyone else hear Indiana Jones music right now?
 After all that complicated gluing and glittering, here's a reasonable hack with minimal effort.
And I now have an extra $13 plus lying around.
13, eh?
The unlucky number.
 Yorrick and I are going to go find a way to get rid of that 13 pronto.
Did you think we were done?
Oh no.
This is just going to get worse.
So if you haven't Hacked One Up yet, relax, 
we have tons of time to polish up a glistening Autumn.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Gold Bug

 So, have you caught on that painting these pumpkins en mass would be a good idea?
I actually bought 20 and plotted out my evil schemes.
We could be here a while.
Let's play with a little shining gold today.
But not just the foam orb...
 We're going to play with the heavy gauge wire as well, a serious score at Dollar Tree.
Grab that Rustoleum Gloss Gold.
 Wrap the dark green wire around a pencil.
Sliiiiiiiiiide the curlicue off. 
Using wire cutters, snip it off leaving a tail.
 Now, nab a little $1 tinsel arachnid pin that's been swimming in the bottom of your 
jewelry box forever.
 He's cute, purple and gold, and sports some beady
little gem eyes, but he's totally lost all by himself on
a gilded gourd.
He needs a little bling boost.
 We're going to take a wisp of silk ivy outside for this one.
 Through the magic of "What the Hell is wrong with my camera?!?!?" Vision,
all outdoor shots have a pinkish sheen.
Personally, I think it's karma for all my snarky
anti-Barbie jokes. 
Be that as it may, paint the ivy gold.
Turn it over.
Obliterate anything green.
While you're obliterating green, remember those green wire spirals?
 Get all Midas on them too.
 Poke the DRY gold spiral into the pumpkin.
 Snip off as much ivy as you'd like and poke the end of that in.
This is still just. Not. THERE.
Remove all the junk you just put on and haul out the Elmer's glue, a paint brush,
and some purple glitter.
Because more often than not, this is exactly
how the creative process works around here.
Dip the paint brush in the glue and start globbing on irregular streaks
down the side of the pumpkin.
Work quickly in sections.
Sprinkle glitter on the glue.
Do the next section, then the next, all the way round.
 Purple and gold is a great, rich combination,
and it matches our little spider to perfection.
(Gail, I know you need this one!)
Okay, NOW put your spiral, ivy, and tinsel pest back on.
 NOW we're talkin'!
 It's like Aubergine the Spider is leaving a trail.
 A little Midas Touchy/Feelie?
 Now, put this somewhere out of your mother's line of sight,
because The Southern Belle is afraid of spiders even if they sparkle.
 Even if they have gold noses.
Even if she can't see them.
Mother knows this spider is there.
The pumpkin smells faintly of RAID for some reason,
and it's always facing away from the doorway.
 I sense an impending impasse.
That's okay, Aubergine.
I love you.

My intrepid co-hostess,
has been quite busy behind my back.
And oddly, she's on a spider streak herself...
She started out with
and the wine sitting on those took hold. This was merely a gateway spider.
Before long, she was on to....
trimmed off in black lace no less!
Did this sate her need for eight legged companionship?
Far from it!
 soon adorned her other wrist, frightening the neighbors!
And making me covet it!
I must have one. Of course, I'll have to hide it in my purse
and put it on once I leave the house.
Wow, high school all over again!

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