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Friday, December 7, 2012

50 Shades of Vanilla

 There it is!!!
Another fake Catmas sign!
That's okay, you'll want to get this quick little gift done this weekend
so it's ready to leave on a desk or doorstep next week.
 We're gonna make a WHOLE Lotta Vanilla Extract!
First, you'll need a big ass 1/2 gallon bottle of the cheapest vodka you can find.
So cheap, a sorority girl wouldn't mix it with Kool Aid.
Whatever is left over can be used to strip paint, kill rats, unclog drains,
sanitize Goodwill shoes and obliterate mold and mildew.
I'm surprised these people even spelled Vodka right.
$14.99.
 For this you will need small jars. Baby food jars would be cheap and perfect, but my
Minions were never into the processed stuff.
18 of these adorable little snap lid jars were $19.95 at Michaels in the wedding section.
Whole vanilla beans are inexpensive on Amazon.
This 1/2 pound was $20 and came with an additional free sample.
We used 1/4 of this.
 And your little jars.
 Oh, and a funnel.
Pour yourself a nice healthy soy nog, sprinkle with nutmeg, 
and feel smug about your vegan treat.
Glance at the vodka.
Decide you can't possibly give this as a gift without making sure it's
suitable for human consumption.
Add it to the soy nog.
Hiccup involuntarily.
 Open the jars.
Do it now.
If you wait until the vodka kicks in, this will become a monumental task.
And funny for no reason.
Get the knife, Clarice.
 Put the beans on a cutting board.
Have a sip of soy nog.
Shudder.
Hiccup again.
 Slice through the vanilla bean, making a slit in the top.
 Curf der fluggen barf nitwit.
 Vannah here. Relax, I'll take over. I'm underage.
And responsible.
*GLARES*
Cut the beans in half and put both halves in the jar.
Mum says the slit was to release the seeds in the vanilla beans and
intensify the flavor.
Your friends will be able to refill the jars with their own vodka or rum and 
it will make another batch with the same beans.
She then put on a crown and ran around the room screaming, "WHOOPIE!!!"
Do not drink this stuff.
For reals.
 Place the funnel in the jar and fill with vodka.
 If you have a steady hand, you may not need the funnel.
Mum sure did.
 Seal the jar.
 You can see that 15 minutes later, the color is already starting to turn.
By next week, these will be a lovely caramel color and ready to give!
That, or it will eat through the glass.
We'll let you know.
 To giftify these, we took a pair of potholders
(Mum nabbed these at Walmart last year on clearance,
10 cents for two. This is why the woman's shoes aren't in her closet, frankly.)
The jingle bells are from Dollar Tree, 9 in a package.
 The ethereal little snowflakes are from Dollar Tree too, 10 in a package.
So the bells and snowflake tie on would be about 32 cents.
G'head, I'm a math major.
 The potholders will be your variable, since we don't know the value of X.
 Tie on the hooch vanilla extract to the potholder, add a recipe card if you like,
and BAM!
GIFT!

Pretty swag, eh?
When you consider that all those layered jars of cookie mix you'll
 be getting call for vanilla, this is perfect!

Total cost not including the potholder?
Jar $1.11
Vodka $0.41
Vanilla $0.48
Ornament Tie On $0.32
$2.32 for a jar of extract that would be $15 at the store?
SCORE!
Make sure they know they can renew it too.

(Oh, beeteedubs- all alcohol abuse was faked. 
You guys know I don't imbibe.
The soy nog was naked.
I regularly wear a crown and scream WHOOPIE! though.)

3 comments:

Michelle L. said...

This looks like the perfect fancy foodie gift - I never know what to give those fancy foodies, now I know!

Heather Rodman said...

That's the best presentation of from-scratch vanilla extract I've ever seen- bravo!

Heather said...

Yum! I would love getting one of these and I'm sure all of your recipients will as well!