21 and Counting

Once upon a time, there was a 30 year old woman who was roughly the size of a Buick.

She was huge, uncomfortable, dying in the Miami July heat,

and swearing that she'd love her husband faithfully forever, 

but that they'd had sex for the absolute last time.

EVER.

 A few hours later, after a C section during which she asked 

the OBGYN for a six pack of those drugs to go,

she forgot all her vows of abstinence and every moment

of 23 hours of labor, because this little man was here.

Samuel Sterling Pritchard-Torres, at 8 pounds 11 ounces,

was my smallest baby, and my very first.

You never know true love until you look into those eyes.
 Babies come without manuals, and we were both shocked that the

horribly irresponsible doctors would just hand us a human being

to take home with obviously no regard for his safety.

We managed in spite of ourselves to keep him alive.
 
 Even though we occasionally dressed him as food.

Yeah, he knows he's in the care of idiots.
 
 I was never good with fashion, but he blithely wore whatever I bought him for school.

 After a few years, we found out that hosing the children down 

in the yard did not constitute a bath.
 Although he quickly got used to sleeping in trees, we eventually 

scraped together the money for a bed.

Recently, we moved it indoors.
 I was always frugal and saved on the price of plates

by serving food on the children's heads.

 Shooting them out of a cannon is much faster than the school bus.

 Sammy spent a brief portion of one summer as a Mexican exchange student.

They sent him back when his eating habits threw off the national economy.
 
 We encouraged him to play with sharp objects at a young age.

This allowed us to put together a handsome college fund due to our stock in Band-Aids.

 Sammy was always able to find Summer jobs as a Chia Pet.

 This model upbringing and our amazing parenting skills brought forth the

fine young man you see before you today.

 Master gardener...

...crime fighting genius...

...thoughtful muse...

...unabashed individual...

 ...fashion plate...

...dapper man about town...

 ...unafraid when it comes to the truth...

 ...um...I've got nothin' here...

 ...but all in all...

...the finest man, brother, and son a mother could ever hope for.

In spite of me, my son grew up to be the kind of man

any parent would marvel over.

I certainly do.

Happy 21st Birthday, Samwow.

Mommy loves you.

(Snugglemuffin)