Never Text While Flying

 

The witching season is upon us, and the signs are clear...

 Never text while flying.

I loved this idea, but you've seen my porch- I have no columns.

How about something free standing instead to send a contemporary 

chill down your spine?

 Plus, I get to destroy more pantyhose!!!

 God, I hate those things.

Did you know pantyhose were originally introduced in 1480 by Torquemada

and the Tribunal of the Holy Office of the Spanish Inquisition?

Write that down on a history quiz.

Anyway, you're basically going to need:

A Dollar Tree plastic cauldron

Dollar Tree tights in purple and black horizontal stripes.

A thick pool noodle

Rocks

Newspaper

Scissors

A bread knife

Black poster board, construction paper, or craft foam

Wire

12 inches or so of wire edged ribbon

Bubble vase filler

Dollar Tree feather boa

An old cell phone

 First, cut the pool noodle in half with a bread knife.

 Wrestle the noodle halves into the chic and flattering hose.

 

 This is pretty close to how they look on me.

 Place something heavy, like an over fed Feline Overlord, in the cauldron.

 If that well thought out plan goes awry,

 set the "legs" in the cauldron with the panty part down and fill

the bottom with river rock, pebbles, or some other heavy filler

to keep the whole affair upright.

 Now start wadding up some newspaper and stuff it like a sixth grader's bra.

Why yes, I'm in a mood. Why do you ask?

 Take your bubble-type filler~

ours is alien green glitter styrofoam balls from Joann's in varying sizes,

but you could use green, silver, clear, or purple Christmas ornaments or 

marbles too~

 

...and top the newspaper with it so you have a sickly bubbling brew effect. 

 Glitterific!

Everything in the house this year needs to shine.

 

 This is where you should be thus far.

If you aren't, catch up.

We'll wait,

I then wrapped some green feather boa from the costume section at Dollar Tree

around the cauldron and tied it just for extra fluff.

Okay, now for the stumps.

Measure the circumference (don't you wish you'd paid attention in 7th grade math now?)

around the top.

 Sketch a shoe with an opening half of the circumference.

So if your noodle is 9 inches around, the opening should be 4 1/2 inches.

Cut 4 of these out of the poster board, construction paper, or craft foam.

 We simply stitched each pair together at key spots with a scrap of wire.

 Poke a hole in the shoe where a lace would be tied into a bow.

 Take the wire edged ribbon and cut it into two even lengths.

 Poke one half through the hole of each shoe.

 Tie it into a bow and fluff it up!

 Now slide each shoe onto a stump at an odd angle.

I pulled my legs so they were weirdly uneven for effect.

 And there you have it!

 One witch crash landing into a cauldron due to irresponsible cell phone use!

And check out that expensive background we used!

No expense was spared for this professional, well planned,

extremely...

...um...

 Anyway, not bad, eh?

 Oh, WAIT!!!

 Add a really creepy old phone to the mix.

Get one from the toy department at Dollar Tree if you've donated all of yours.

But you're fine without it.

 This is about 3 feet tall, and rang up around $5 to create.

That's a lot of creepy on the cheap.

 You know what scares me even more than this?

The thought that people think U is a pronoun!

*SHIVERS*

B4 is not a word...

I speak English, not Bingo.