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Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Antique Porn

  Why do I call it porn?

por·nog·ra·phy  

/pôrˈnägrəfē/
Noun
 The representation in books, magazines, photographs, films, and other media of scenes or behavior that are designed to arouse.



Not to mention...you know you popped over here feeling guilty as hell, didn't you?

Yesterday, I had a pile of stuff and errands to run for Mom's house.
Not the ideal day perhaps, but as I always say:
When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Add tequila.

 The truth here is, when Mom moves, she'll be taking the chest on chest 
dresser in our room that Sam keeps all of his clothes in, so we need a new one.
By "new," I of course mean an item not presently in my possession.
Where does one find something eclectic and slightly worn?
And antique store.
How about at a price that won't make you break out in hives when you paint it?
 We're going back today, and this baby needs to be MINE.
A nice solid wood lingerie chest with a lighted shelf answers a whole bunch of my prayers.
 They also now carry some completely green chalk paints I have to try.
Claudia Cayne, one of the lovely proprietresses, gave me the royal treatment as she explained 
the full line of Cece Caldwell paints.
And man, they have every color you can think of, plus recipes for the ones 
they don't have that you want.
She opened a tub of stain for me, and you know what it smelled like?
Nothing.
No scent at all.
 So when Hutch get's his long overdue makeover, we'll be using the turquoise
with a white wash over it, and I won't have to drag the sucker outside!
(You have to love the tree festooned in paint supplies!)
 Now I DO need to think kitchen very soon,
and wouldn't this hefty drysink with etched glass doors be perfect 
with my beach cottage plan?
 I turned around and spotted this great dresser hiding in a corner,
with leather luggage stacked on top.
I have to check with the hubster on this one, but oh, the temptation!
 Upstairs hallway.
Towels and blankets.
Don't argue with me, just get the damned van!!!
I couldn't find a price tag anywhere.
I didn't care.
I henceforth referred to this piece as David Boreanaz:
It's gorgeous, I want it, but if I had it, I'd be too afraid to touch it.
 Swoon with me.
It's $500, but swoon anyway.
 Next aisle, please.
I've been thinking diminutive chandeliers on either side of our bed.
Matching is not only unimportant, but downright not what I want.
The perfect choices dangling overhead were fantastic.
 If you're going to GPOY
(Gratuitous Pic Of Yourself),
find a mirror like this to do it in.
Hooks and a double tier table make this a great organizer for a tiny entrance.
 Kitchen again.
Drool time.
I yanked some Taco Bell napkins out of my purse just in case.
 I felt the convulsions starts as I stood in front of this shiny baby.
Refurbished and working, I would cook all day, I promise.
 And the companion piece?
They go together for $7500.
That's more than I have earmarked for the whole kitchen, sure.
But I can sneak away often and see them in secret behind my Amana's back.
 Did you hear a THUD?
That was Jane from The Borrowed Abode fainting.
When I hit the Lottery, Jane, I swear!
 How great are these chairs???
These are on my list when I go back to try out and see
if they're comfortable and affordable.
If I get a double yes, you make be getting a sneak peek at my dining room replacements.
Oooooooh, hello there!
Too small, but I went back several tomes, hoping it had gotten bigger.
 CRACKLE SIZZLE SNAP POP PIIIIIING!
What was that?
Kim K just drooled on her keyboard at the cute overload.
 My mother thinks I'm nuts for saving the wire forms of cast off lampshades.
Who's crazy now, Mom??? HUH???
Okay, fine, it's still me, but I'm totally planning to do this.
 Speaking of chandeliers for the new house,
and speaking of my mother, I'm dragging her back to see this.
THIS would be a good choice for a man's dresser, especially with the marble top.
Hefty, ornately carved but still rugged, it could sidle up the my curvalicious 
little white and aqua dresser and woo her perfectly.
 Oh, where to begin, where to look first?
 This cabinet in the corner caught my attention,
but I don't think it would make The Sam happy.
 You wanna hit the ladies room with me?
My nose is all shiny.
Yeah, THIS is their bathroom.
Antique typewriter stencils on the walls, chalkboard paint in the stalls...
And the dividers?
You've got to be kidding!
 At one of the booths, the owner of Antiques, et al was just taking this Murano glass chandelier
out of the box. It needs repairs and gluing, but Audry Creary offered
it to me for a steal!
 And...it works!
 This will be in my home.
Oh yes.
Yes it will.
 
Le GASP!
How fabulous is this burled wood chest WITH the mirror!?
And it's 50% off!!!
GET THE VAN!!
 This booth stopped me dead in my booted tracks.
 Help me Rhonda, I could live here happily ever after.
 Just start yelling out the things you love
 G'head.
 Panel door as a high shelf?
Burlap bunting?
 Shutter shelves?
 Curvaceous corbels?
 Painted patio perches?
 I'd even exercise if I had this bike, I promise!
 I need that chandelier in the basket NOW.
Tie a lace ribbon around anything and you have this shabby, girlie
 chic thing going on that just makes me melt.
 And suddenly, I know what to do with all those 80's brooches I've been hoarding.
 I shall name her Claudette.
 She shall come home with me and we shall live happily in my 
cottage and make cheeses and raise geese.

Oh, just get in the car.
 Back in Reality Land, I now had ideas for this thing.
 And this?
This will be swathed in white duck cotton with flounces and made
into the perfect reading and music corner in the soon-to-be-reclaimed
Florida room, where my mother has been.
 For now though, I'm going back to the antique mall in my mind....
 ...to stroll on the banks of imagination...
 ...dream of pristine cotton duck....
 Claudette! The geese have returned!
 Come, little geese, we have baguettes and brie!
 Of course, when they got closer, they realized all I had was a bottled water and a camera,
and geese are not impressed by that.
 I think I'll follow their lead and depart as well.
I mean, I need to get back their to grab the items that made the final cut before they disappear!

Special thanks to Dodie and Claudia Cayne, who were wonderful
 hostesses while I was there.
It turns out Claudia is one of my followers!
If you're into antiques and vintage treasures, Like them on Facebook
so you can keep up with all the news and new arrivals.
And envy me even more.
I live 15 minutes from the place!

2 comments:

Heather Rodman said...

The Murano was a STEAL, what ever you paid for it! What a great antique mall- I think my baby blues just turned grass-green....

jane @ the borrowed abode said...

Omg. tHUD is right! I swoon for that sofa. Any idea the price?? Can't wait to see your results with chalk paint.