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Thursday, September 27, 2012

The Gold Bug

 So, have you caught on that painting these pumpkins en mass would be a good idea?
I actually bought 20 and plotted out my evil schemes.
We could be here a while.
Let's play with a little shining gold today.
But not just the foam orb...
 We're going to play with the heavy gauge wire as well, a serious score at Dollar Tree.
Grab that Rustoleum Gloss Gold.
 Wrap the dark green wire around a pencil.
Sliiiiiiiiiide the curlicue off. 
Using wire cutters, snip it off leaving a tail.
 Now, nab a little $1 tinsel arachnid pin that's been swimming in the bottom of your 
jewelry box forever.
 He's cute, purple and gold, and sports some beady
little gem eyes, but he's totally lost all by himself on
a gilded gourd.
He needs a little bling boost.
 We're going to take a wisp of silk ivy outside for this one.
 Through the magic of "What the Hell is wrong with my camera?!?!?" Vision,
all outdoor shots have a pinkish sheen.
Personally, I think it's karma for all my snarky
anti-Barbie jokes. 
Be that as it may, paint the ivy gold.
Turn it over.
Obliterate anything green.
While you're obliterating green, remember those green wire spirals?
 Get all Midas on them too.
 Poke the DRY gold spiral into the pumpkin.
 Snip off as much ivy as you'd like and poke the end of that in.
This is still just. Not. THERE.
Remove all the junk you just put on and haul out the Elmer's glue, a paint brush,
and some purple glitter.
Because more often than not, this is exactly
how the creative process works around here.
Dip the paint brush in the glue and start globbing on irregular streaks
down the side of the pumpkin.
Work quickly in sections.
Sprinkle glitter on the glue.
Do the next section, then the next, all the way round.
 Purple and gold is a great, rich combination,
and it matches our little spider to perfection.
(Gail, I know you need this one!)
Okay, NOW put your spiral, ivy, and tinsel pest back on.
 NOW we're talkin'!
 It's like Aubergine the Spider is leaving a trail.
 A little Midas Touchy/Feelie?
 Now, put this somewhere out of your mother's line of sight,
because The Southern Belle is afraid of spiders even if they sparkle.
 Even if they have gold noses.
Even if she can't see them.
Mother knows this spider is there.
The pumpkin smells faintly of RAID for some reason,
and it's always facing away from the doorway.
 I sense an impending impasse.
That's okay, Aubergine.
I love you.

My intrepid co-hostess,
has been quite busy behind my back.
And oddly, she's on a spider streak herself...
She started out with
and the wine sitting on those took hold. This was merely a gateway spider.
Before long, she was on to....
trimmed off in black lace no less!
Did this sate her need for eight legged companionship?
Far from it!
 soon adorned her other wrist, frightening the neighbors!
And making me covet it!
I must have one. Of course, I'll have to hide it in my purse
and put it on once I leave the house.
Wow, high school all over again!

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lisbonlioness said...

LOL! The tinsel- spider cracked me up, how cute :)
And I love the combo of gold and purple. Hmmmmm... purple... (Homer Simpson- voiceover) That goes great with my Tim Burton- aspirations!

PJ @ Planned in Pencil said...

Will there be beads? Thats a mardi gra pumpkin for sure! Lol. Aubergine needs some beads!

That said you know I love it